In light of Father’s Day quickly approaching, I thought it might be fun to make a “best gifts” list for good dads. Instead, I went to the other end of the spectrum and I’ve suggested some of the best worst gifts you could give to your father, or to the father of your children.
Here are my best bad gift suggestions for Dad in no particular order:
Leather belt – $27.99
For the father who loves to discipline his children well, get him this handsome Marino genuine leather dress belt with ratcheting action. His children will never sit comfortably in his easy chair again! …or any chair for that matter.
Hemorrhoid cream – $28.40
It relieves the itch, and shrinks the swelling! Many suggest it is the thought that counts. Well, in this case, there’s too much thinking and way too much thoughtfulness going on. I don’t care how much you think he’ll appreciate it. He’d appreciate a punch in the face more. Even if it smells like musk!
Essential oils – $33.99
According to AwakenWithJP and the Ultra Spiritual Life, there is nothing more natural than squeezing 3,000 flower petals for an ounce of oil. I must admit I use a little eucalyptus oil and tea tree oil every now and then. But unless the father in your life is looking to make homemade hand soap like me, he may not know what to do with it apart from cleaning his tools. He will smell like lavender, which I suppose could be an improvement.
Colorectal cancer home test – $29.99
I really shouldn’t have to explain why this is a bad idea. Similar to the hemorrhoid cream, this would be a little over-thoughtful. Mind you, I suppose if you know there is a history of cancer in the family, it never hurts to give him a nudge in the right area for his health. You may however want to leave any anal gazing to his doctor.
Worlds Best Farter t-shirt – $12.95
There are many things to be proud of in life, including your children, as well as career accolades. Violent flatulence may not be one accolade the father in your life wishes to wear proudly on his chest. Even if he does, don’t encourage him. It just casts the rest of us in the same dark shadow. Don’t get me wrong—I’m all about having plenty of fibre in one’s diet. But let’s be clear: No one can out fart my grandmother anyways. (It’s just a medication side effect! It’s not her fault!)
Inflatable Toupée – $6.33
During my last haircut, the stylist advised me of the availability of spray on hair to cover up my thinning hair in the back. Who needs expensive spray-on hair when you can wear an inflatable toupee whenever you need a little extra coverage! He’ll feel years younger! …like before you had kids and pulled all your hair out!
6-pack Beer Belt – $24.95
On a more serious note, I am personally very adamantly against drinking alcohol. I do believe it can be enjoyed responsibly by many. Unfortunately, there is such a great majority who are irresponsible when drinking alcohol that it’s not something I can say a good father would do. Does it mean if you drink you’re a bad dad? Not at all!
But for me, all it takes is to watch the local news once or twice, and it’s very easy to see the very negative affects alcohol abuse can have on a family and on society as a whole. As fathers, we are called to set the example for our children and to lead our families well.
What does that look like for me? Alcohol isn’t allowed in the house. What does that look like for you? Maybe it means being careful what you drink, when you drink, where you drink, and maybe with whom. But whenever you drink, if it’s in front of your kids, it should come with instruction. Don’t assume they’ll figure it out on their own. I guess I should write a separate post on this one. In the mean time, if you’re looking for a bad gift, get the beer belt!
Don’t do it! Ok maybe…
Any one of these 7 items would make for a terrible gift! Maybe save them for when you need a good gag gift. When a father turns 40, 50, and 60 years old, these items become some of the best choices for the dad in your life!
Do you have a best worst Father’s Day gift to suggest?